Review: WWE Smackdown (12-13-2024)

Smackdown was LIVE from Hartford, CT, the home of WrestleMania XI!

If you missed it, this is a bit later than live because live hours went to TNA Final Resolution. That’s right! This newsletter is now your main home for all of the hot Top Dollar and Tessa Blanchard action you can handle! Might have Rampage up before SNME, but also might go up Sunday with Collision.

• Arriving: Tiffany Stratton! “The Extreme Hardcore Baddie” Michin! I don’t think that nickname is very good or will stick! They meet in one U.S. title semifinal! And the other is between Bayley, who is signing garbage before she grabs her own rolling suitcase, and Chelsea Green, who is with Piper Niven and they’re not pretending to like the common man the way that phony snake Cody Rhodes does! Also: Solo Sikoa, Tama Tonga, and Jacob Fatu! Also: LA Knight! Also: Cody Rhodes in his stupid Madden bus! Alright that was way more people than they usually show.

• It’s Jimmy Uso: He’s on one crutch because of his toe. Apparently, Roman Reigns has sent in a video chat that will air later. Couldn’t be bothered to show up in Hartford, which is the home of WrestleMania XI. People chant “yeet” and Jimmy jokes about it. He says War Games “was lit,” and frankly he seems slightly lit himself. He’s doing some sort of comedy routine. I think I’ve figured it out, because Jimmy’s coming off that way Roxanne Perez does in NXT promos. Now personally I hate it but then I have been watching this junk for 300 years so I have certain expectations. What it is is that they’re speaking in in-ring promos in a way that is usually reserved for backstage “interview” promos or, like, pre-tapes. It’s not so much the delivery that’s thrown me off with this but the location. And now I’ve cracked it, or have satisfied myself with the belief that I have. Anyway, Jimmy’s rambling about stuff. Says Roman Reigns was a dominant champion which, again, not really true. Jey Uso became a top star. Solo Sikoa is doing well and he’s proud of him even though he doesn’t like what he’s doing. So what’s next for “Big Jim”? He doesn’t know! He might win the Royal Rumble. I doubt it. Names some titles he won’t be winning. Screams his name.

• And then: He’s blindsided by Drew McIntyre, which frankly he deserved after that display and even suggesting he’d win the Royal Rumble. Never been happier to see McIntyre kick someone in the head. Officials “race” in to pull McIntyre off of Uso. Again, I suggest that McIntyre, Rollins, and Owens put aside any differences they have and get rid of all these bozos for good.

• Backstage: Tiffany Stratton is doing exercises dressed in Christmas gear. Nia Jax and Candice LeRae arrive to wish her well. Nia suggests when Tiffany wins the U.S. title she won’t need the briefcase anymore. Tiffany is figuring this out, you can expect. Candice is a real snake in the grass, I tell you what. They leave and Tiffany does more exercises.

• Backstage: Nick Aldis is yelling at Drew McIntyre, who does not care. He’s very pleased with himself. Anyway, now here are Bianca Belair and Naomi. Aldis asks McIntyre to wait in his office so he can talk to these ladies. He’s got news on Jade, which is that there is no news. But Bianca and Jade are still the tag champs. Bianca is somehow surprised by this. Naomi: “Bianca has never relinquished anything in her life!” You cannot know that for sure. Naomi offers to step in and Aldis says he’ll “run it up the flagpole,” and that if it’s approved, they have to defend next week. Aldis goes to his office and Bianca and Naomi hug like one of them just got news that their husband was killed in the war.

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Michin vs Tiffany Stratton

WWE Women’s United States Championship Tournament

The final round match is on SNME. Think Michin got dinged a bit early, or Tiffany did and Michin had to wait on her. Not going to rewind to see which, not a great concern, they’re doing fine after a weird little moment.

Stratton with a fantastically brutal double stomp on the apron. After break, Tiffany tries the same thing again but misses, and Michin kicks her from the apron, right in the kisser. Here’s a belt sitting on a little table. Isn’t that great?

Michin hits a DDT, then a tornado DDT. Damn does she have any more types of DDT in her? No, she covers for two. Could’ve used a third type of DDT, obviously. This is kind of a weird match, weird flow. Michin gets the tarantula on, which is a move I liked about five times and then realized it has never added a damn thing to a match. I don’t now dislike it, but what’s it do? Nothin’. You get a four-count at most with it. It never has an impact after it’s been done. Dumb move.

Stratton with an Alabama Slam for two, she’d gone for that before. Tiffany has great violence to her offense. Probably even more than the more professionally polished Extreme Hardcore Baddie. Prettiest Moonsault Ever hits because Michin rolls the wrong way trying to avoid it, but since it wasn’t meant to connect Michin just ignores that it did, does Eat Feet, and wins. This was a minor mess of a match in all honesty, and that finish was truly unfortunate. **

• The finish does leave Cole and Graves scrambling to explain the moonsault didn’t really connect. It did, of course. It connected more than it does when it actually lands, in fact. I have eyes. You can’t pull the wool over them, fellas. Not me! Not this guy! Too smart.

• Video: Since they apparently can’t stand to just be themselves, DIY are now cosplaying the early nWo pre-tapes in black-and-white. Gargano reasons that his two-year-old son will ever remember having seen a wrestling show in Cleveland where Solo Sikoa beat him up and he was so embarrassed that he had to break bad. Gargano looks so uncomfortable with the idea that someone who owns 40 Marvel Funko Pops might be booing him next time he’s in front of a live crowd. Anyway, they’re the Madman and the Mastermind now. They’re real Rulebreakers.

• Video: Roman Reigns, flanked by Paul Heyman, is twitching his face and chewing imaginary food, he’s deep in thought and some things unseen, unspoken, almost make him smile, but not because he’s happy. He wants the ula fala back. “So for some, January 6 is Netflix” — what’s it about for others! Anyway, it’ll be Reigns vs Sikoa on the first Raw on Netflix for the ula fala. Neither of them are Raw wrestlers but who gives a damn? He says “on January 6,” about several times.

• Backstage: Legado del Fantasma speak with Nick Aldis about people being attacked backstage. “What kind of bingo are you running here?” They think maybe they should call Adam Pearce. Every WWE Smackdown Superstar trying to move to Raw since the only thing anyone in the company can talk about is Netflix. January 10's gonna roll around and Nick Aldis is gonna be like “erm the main event tonight on Smackdown is Kit Wilson vs Wolfgang.” They leave but Carmelo Hayes is here. Remember, he has a mystery opponent tonight. He expects it to be light work. We’ll find out after another commercial! I’m betting on Luke Gallows!

Braun Strowman vs Carmelo Hayes

Well, close enough. I hope he does the choo-choo train move. :) Remember when they were hyping Melo as a rising contender in that series with Andrade? Remember Andrade? Anyway, it did wonders for both of them. That’s why HHH is Booker of the Century. It’s the vision. It’s the way things pay off up and down the roster and not just with the big stars.¹

Cole half-hearted confirms, in a speculating sort of way, that Strowman has Switched Brands in the Transfer Period. Strowman beats Hayes pretty easily, who is back to being a first round bust, I guess, but given how many people Smackdown might be losing to Raw, Braun might have to be a main eventer soon.

• Backstage: Byron Saxton is with LA Knight. Byron asks him a question about his issue with Solo Sikoa and Solo Sikoa’s Bloodline last week, so LA says, “Let me talk to ya!” Yes, LA. That was the gist. Knight calls the ula fala “that little red necklace.”² Knight hates the entire family other than Jey Uso. He says Solo has a “big, fat ass.”

• In the ring: Before the match, Solo Sikoa will speak, with Jacob Fatu and Tama Tonga with him. Oh, no, he gets basically nothing out before Louisiana Knight’s entrance.

LA Knight vs Solo Sikoa

These two guys have similar styles, both kinda throwbacks in their way, and they show a nice chemistry quickly, just two dudes here to fight. If the intensity were upped this could be one of those great territory TV main events where the TV time runs out. But it’s 2024 and this is on in the middle of the show called “Smack Down” and not something cool like “Central States All-Star Wrestling.”

Tama Tonga shoves Solo out of the way of a Knight dropkick and takes it himself, then we get the Spinning Solo against the commentary desk. After break, Solo’s trying to do Roman Reigns offense but he can’t do the Superman punch worth a shit so Knight counters it with a side-step and a back suplay.

LA with right hands, ducks a clothesline, lands a jumping clothesline. Cole suggests it is a “flying” clothesline but I struggle to call any jumping this dude does “flying.” Knight takes out Tama and Fatu at ringside, then Fatu gets backdropped onto the commentary desk, not through but just bounces off. Back into the ring but that all gave Solo time to recover enough and land a superkick. Samoan Spike is avoided. Side Effect from Knight, hits his springboard elbow but it only gets two.

Ringside, Jacob Fatu has recovered and he is fucking mad, so he attacks Knight for the DQ. Was nice of Knight to sit there waiting for him! I liked the match! ***

• Post-match: Jacob Fatu is demolishing LA Knight now. Just giving him the business out here. And then he rolls him in for Solo’s Samoan Spike, and Tama Tonga gets in there with his Gremlin stomps. Andrade and Apollo Crews are HERE! LA Knight’s new friends! Well. They don’t fare well. Again, what wonders that Andrade-Hayes series did for those guys. Here they are, absolutely soaring to new heights. The babyfaces are left laying because we only have three weeks to prepare Solo for Tribal Combat.

• Backstage: Braun Strowman walks and Pretty Deadly meet him. The dark-haired one is particularly funny. They offer Braun a role in their musical. He turns it down. That’s rude. Didn’t even read the script. He walks away, and now Byron’s here, and now A-Town Down Under are here. They tell Saxton to leave. Waller wants Strowman on his bad chat show nobody cares about. He accepts.

Chelsea Green vs Bayley

WWE Women’s United States Championship Tournament

If Chief Paul advances ice cold Bayley here then I am certain he’s recently been kicked in the head by a mule. Bayley hits her Belly-to-Bayley right away but only gets a two count.

Back in and, well, this is quite the “second on the card at SHIMMER 17” sort of match. Green cracks Bayley with a right hand to the mush. Crowd is dead dead, bro. I love Bayley, please don’t misunderstand me, but it’s rare to see someone who used to and so recently mattered in a big way go this cold, like, I’ve seen former standouts turn into total also-rans for sure, but it came years after their primes and they were just hanging around somewhere, like Bobby Eaton popping up on Nitro in ‘96 or whatever.

Kind of a rough night for this tournament, honestly. Something similarly “off” in both of the matches. Oh, then they awkwardly interrupt the match after going silent for their, like, third trailer for Disney’s Mufasa: The Lion King (Included This Part to Be Super Clear in Case You’re Crazy Stupid).

The commentary is totally disconnected from this match. The whole match feels like it’s kind of floating in the air aimlessly, like a plastic grocery bag. It’s scrappy, would be a nice way to describe it, but it’s just weird to watch. Chelsea takes a suplay on the floor trying to get the crowd to react. A nice back suplay in the ring by Bayley, count gets two.

I think this one’s better and less messy than Michin-Stratton. This whole show tonight kinda has this vibe, actually, other than Knight-Solo because those two keep everything real simple. I also think the crowd audio on this show is sorta bizarre, it just sounds wrong. Bayley tries her Shane Douglas finish again, fails, then Green’s backstabber fails, Green hits the Rough Ryder for two.

“Bit of a … sort of a version of the Zig-Zag there, I think,” is Graves’ call on Bayley’s next big move. Niven takes a wild elbow to the back of the skull, Chelsea gets thrown into the barricade. This match is fucking weird. Some of it kinda rules. Some of it is pretty damn bad. Anyway, back in the ring and Chelsea wins with the Unprettier, I’m not spelling out how she says it, you know what it is. It’s dumb in text. **½

• Video: Why the hell are the Motor City Machine Guns also doing a black-and-white promo? Why is DIY vs MCMG in black-and-white? The promos are fine, mind you. Both teams doing good work with it. I’m excited for Shelley vs Gargano next week. It’s just a weird, random choice by great film director HHH.

• Video: Shinsuke is gonna speak on it. “Do you feel it? A shift has taken place. No longer will the feeble, weak-minded, be praised as victors. Their weaknesses, hidden behind false confidence, will be dragged into the light for all to see. One by one they will fall before my feet. Broken, humiliated, and forgotten.” This guy fuckin’ rocks. “I am imminent. I am inevitable.” Hell yeah. This ruled.

• Backstage: Christmas Tiffy walks around rubbing her neck from nearly two hours ago. Nia Jax approaches. “Not everyone is meant to be a singles champ like me.” And now here’s Candice. These two are so rude. Candice stumbles but gets through that she’s secured a tag title shot for her and Nia next week. Nia seems maybe not that interested. I get the feeling, at least they’re leaving the door open, that while Candice is genuinely just an asshole, Nia might only be, like, accidentally an asshole in some ways. I mean, an asshole, but not always intending to be one to Tiffany. Not ALWAYS. This is hard to put into words.

• Backstage: Cody Rhodes is walking and he is headed to THE FINAL WORD BEFORE SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT!

• The Final Word Before Saturday Night’s Main Event: This is a main event promo segment with Cody Rhodes and Kevin Owens, moderated by Michael Cole. Owens isn’t even here but Cody’s ready to suck ass immediately. “Triple H has presented you with something.” Oh, good. Triple H gave Cody a gift. Before it can be revealed, Kevin “Sedan Man” Owens is on the screen. Owens says Cody’s as bad a friend as he is a son or brother. “No matter how long you’re champion, no matter how many main events you’re in, the truth will always be that you were way more interesting as Stardust.” Cody twitches at this. “Obviously, Kevin knows the assignment.” See? I told you I killed that. Now Cody’s doing it. A boring dig at Stardust is enough to drive Cody backstage, where he gets jumped by Owens, who has raced from his rented Camry to kick some ass. They fight back out in public, if you will. “We need to get Nick Aldis out here!” Graves cries. Yeah, he always helps and runs a real tight ship here. And here are the officials! No Aldis, though. We get the Savage-Bad News pull-apart, which I was always up for for a long time — it was one of the most memorable things I saw on TV as a kid — but I think it’s been used too much in recent years. Owens knocks Cody out. Owens is wearing a Stardust shirt. Did he get that on eBay or the WWE warehouse? Or, perhaps most likely, has he simply had it for years? And that’s that!

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GRADE: C-

I’m going C- on this one because it was messy and weird and just kinda felt like a show that wasn’t really happening, but there was some stuff I did like. Listen, I thought the two tournament matches were off, but I did like everyone’s energy in them, they were working hard out there. Just happened that both didn’t quite click into place.

I liked the Knight-Sikoa match. I look forward to a potential Fatu-Andrade match; though they’re being really selective with having Fatu wrestle, that one might rip, they can both go. The creative choices for the DIY and MCMG promos were strange but not bad, and the delivery in both was good, that feud could be something that sparks and runs wild. Drew McIntyre’s total lack of respect for Nick Aldis was amusing. And the show was basically breezy and easy to run through, which is kind of higher on my list week-to-week than it might be for many.

Three Stars of the Show

1. Shinsuke Nakamura: That promo whipped ass. And I said this before in a prior heel run of his, it’s nice that they understand most of their fans can read and that doing subtitles for pre-tapes is totally fine and makes it so much easier for someone like Nakamura, whose English is OK but not great, to get a bigger point across.

2. Tiffany Stratton: Weird match, yes, but I liked her overall performance tonight quite a bit. I love watching her on offense, she’s got a real meanness to her, and her backstage stuff was really solid. I kinda have questions about her as a babyface on the surface, because she’s kind of a natural at the “mean girl” routine, but I keep seeing a more sympathetic aspect to her, too, and if she can pull that off, the turn could be big. (It’s something in her eyes, there’s a softness when she feels wounded by some failure or verbal jab.)

3. Piper Niven: She took a wild elbow to the back of the skull just for the hell of it.

1. He is good at this, and the truth is, that is really all anyone needs to be good at it. If the fans are happy with what’s happening to the top stars, they are happy overall. And frankly this is where Tony Khan and AEW have struggled the most over the last two years especially. Plus 100 other things I could but won’t do some sort of “essay” about.

2. One time I called it an “accessory” on X Formerly Twitter, and not even in a shitty way, and people spent days yelling into the void about it. Real adult human beings! It is a prop on a TV show. Nobody is actually, really fighting for it. These aren’t even their real names. Well, other than Jacob Fatu.