Raw was not live from Grand Rapids!
Arriving: Seth Rollins, who faces Bronson Reed! Bronson Reed, who faces Seth Rollins! Sheamus, again trying to win the Intercontinental title! Bron Breakker, who is darker than the wood paneling in my childhood living room and defends the Intercontinental title!
We’ve got Liv Morgan and Raquel Rodriguez: It’s wild to me that Lilian Garcia is back, and also that it just sounds fairly natural because her voice is so familiar. Once again, I am not indulging in “Monday Night Morgan” and neither should you. We did not need a 50th person to do this post-“Monday Night Jericho” and “Raw Is Jericho.” Liv knows Jade and Bianca are here to pick a fight, so she and Raquel aren’t alone, we’ve also got Nia Jax, Tiffany Stratton, and Candice LeRae. Liv over-acting in the Roman Reigns style. Just can’t stop talking. As Nia prattles on she’s interrupted by Bianca, Jade, and Naomi. Super, SUPER fake crowd noise for their arrival. And then we hit an incredible phony low with Iyo Sky being introed by Bianca, and Tessitore lifelessly overdubs, “oh-ho-h-ho, No They Dident.” This show might actually be unwatchable with what it’s got up top, good lord. Not an ounce of this feels, like, alive. As if real people are really doing this. So it’s four-on-five, which Liv points out in Internet Speak. This STINKS, brother. Oh their fifth is Rhea Ripley with a Bill Laimbeer mask. Ripley marches to the ring, has a mic, shouts “War Games!” and headbutts Morgan to start the big fight. Nia giving the brawl about 15 percent. Iyo does a dive that feels like a badly edited video game cinematic. This REEKED despite one cool thing happening.
Here’s a Bloodline video package as WWE continues to not care about Raw on the USA Network.
Backstage: Bron Breakker admires his own pump. Tessitore is like, “He will wrestle The Brawling Irish Man, Shame Us.”
Chad Gable & Ivy Nile vs Rey Mysterio & Zelina Vega
Gable’s pissy with the Creeds and feels Ivy is his only dedicated student. Nile does some moves OK but still isn’t a fleshed-out character. More of a concept of muscles, and not a finished product in-ring. Vega is a career also-ran, if we’re all being honest, and this is basically a house show match, which in function can be a good idea after a full live taping, something simple to engage the audience, but it also doesn’t work for TV so well. Gable and Rey do a little OK stuff, Rey can still move, can still execute even though you can absolutely see the age in and around his eyes under the mask. LWO win it, Rey pins Gable. **
Post-match: The Creeds enter the ring and Gable is pissed with them. He slaps Tall Creed a couple times, and the Creeds start going at each other a bit, Gable having motivated them. So the group is kinda back on the same page at the end. Neat, they have such a hot future likely coming their way.
Backstage: Liv and Raquel meet up with the rest of Judgment Day. Someone’s gotta convince Liv that she doesn’t have to have a little comment to respond to EVERYTHING that everyone says to her. Finn manipulates the situation into taking the wheel for the group tonight and letting the gals hit the bricks. He assigns Dominik and Carlito to face the War Raiders. And he’s manipulating that situation, too. He’s clearly got his dander up for Dominik, who isn’t really responding to Finn. This is a young man who understands manipulation, honestly, so that fits.
Video: The Miz thinks he deserves an Oscar for his acting on a weekly variety show. Just sort of a dumb individual. But he does float the idea for The Marine 7: Jake Carter lives, and I am on board with that. I do admire Karrion Kross’ stubborn determination to pretend he operates on a level he just doesn’t. He is faking it until he makes it! Any year now he’ll get over!
Video Package: Gunther vs Priest stuff from last week.
Backstage: A distraught Ludwig Kaiser is met by Gunther, who tells Kaiser that he doesn’t speak for him, and that he needs to go make a name for himself. Kaiser tells Gunther that he does still see the old “Ring General.” They part amicably enough, but Gunther is a man looking for reassurance from a friend, and Kaiser gives it to him even if he might not really believe it. Gunther then tries to attack Priest some feet away in a busted old office chair, and loses the fight real fast. Priest basically laughing at Gunther’s attempt to do a sleephold in a street fight, then Adam Pearce is on the scene but it’s cool, the fight’s already over.
Backstage: War Raiders slap their own muscles and move their arms around. I get it. I do this when I’m fantasizing about beating some ass, too. HI-YAH! Take that, villain!
Bron Breakker (c) vs Sheamus
WWE Intercontinental Championship
Bron Breakker runs so fast, you guys. “There are elite NFL wide receivers and kick returners who don’t hit that mark!” He beat Lamar Jackson in a foot race! If only he could actually do the football part of playing football at the NFL level, we’d really be talking about something.1
Breakker dominating early, tosses Sheamus to the floor then clotheslines him from the apron, they crash over the commentary desk. (I honestly think I might have had an influence on people saying “desk” over “table” now. Like, 30 percent chance. Not arrogant. It’s not a genius thing to get to, it’s just what it actually is.)
Breakker continues hurling himself about like a wild ass weirdo. Sheamus just calls on the fight from the younger, oranger man, however, because he is Sheamus, and he’s going to bull his way into any match being a serious competition.
Guys, this is the 15th Intercontinental championship match to take place in this calendar year. Remember when it used to be for real deal working men like Honky Tonk Man?
Good match! Breakker gets the advantage back, Sheamus turns it around again. Bron hits the top rope frankensteiner. Like, there’s no question that he’s more his uncle than his dad, just in intensity and explosive athleticism, and I think Rick is a crazy underrated wrestler who had some of that, too, at his best. Bron is oranger than both of them, though.
Sheamus lands a big kick counter, but runs a Brogue Kick attempt into a Breakker spear, only to roll out to the floor and buy time. This capable veteran move drives Breakker insane. And when Bron takes off for his FULL THROTTLE SUPER SPEAR, he runs into a clothesline from Ludwig Kaiser, who is here to make his name. ***¼
Post-match: Kaiser crushes Sheamus with a running kick against the steps. Kaiser has his sights on retiring Sheamus, but he also got in Breakker’s business, so he has the IC title on his mind, too. Good reaction to the match and this, too.
Backstage: Jey Uso takes over on another pitch to Seth Freaking to join them for War Games. It’s one time! Come on, Seth! We all hate each other! Sami points out that Seth kinda did this last year, put his differences aside with rivals to do War Games. Seth reiterates that he would stand side-by-side with these three guys, but not with Roman Reigns. Now he would love to get Reed in the cage, but it’s not worth it to see tyrant Roman return. Well we’ll see! Rollins gets all solidly emotional about this before leaving and then dopey dipshit Jimmy makes a “no yeet” joke. Hahaha!!!!! Haha!!!
Video Package: Dakota Kai is back! “You tell yourself, ‘When I’m healthy and come back, everything will be better,’ but on the other side of that, maybe there isn’t a place for me here. Maybe people just don’t care.” …is that new?
War Raiders vs Dominik Mysterio & Carlito
Erik manhandling Dominik, who is very good at being manhandled. War Raiders are a fine tag team who just don’t come off as special at this level of TV. Which is fine, because not everyone is special — most people aren’t! — and having a role and capably handling it reliably is definitely plenty for a years-long run, at this point a decades-long run if you’re well-liked enough.
Judgment Day try to slow it down and control Ivar in their corner, but it doesn’t last long. Erik still throws a nice suplay, never lost that piece of his persona from his very early days before he started pretending to be a viking. I think Dominik is, by the way, starting to piece together a more well-rounded game. Not rushing it all at once; incremental additions and improvements. The smart move. I mean, this guy’s gonna be on TV another two or three decades if he wants, that’s clear.
HEY! This is a good match and I bet I like it more than many did. War Raiders win with War Machine, Carlito obviously takes the fall. Carlito’s veteran Carlitoness is amusing to me, Dominik is a genuine highlight in pretty much every match now, and War Raiders as always did their job. ***
Post-match: Balor and McDonagh attack War Raiders, thieir No. 1 contenders. They’re going after the necks of the big fellas. Look, these little Irish fellas have a lot of disadvantages on paper against War Raiders. They’re trying to even the odds a bit.
Video: Wyatt Sicks VHS junk. Bo Dallas tried to warn Miz. “We offered you salvation, freedom from the pit. I tried to warn you, but you’ve damned yourself. I’m sorry for what happens next. And you — you chose this. Your hands will forever be blood-stained, crimson, scarlet red—” OK it would have been best ending on “I’m sorry for what happens next.” Would have felt heavy and dangerous. The rest over-explains the vibe. But it’s fine, I mean, it’s wrestling. People almost always overshoot the mark.
Video: Lyra Valkyria defends her run on Raw. “When I was drafted to Raw, I was thrown straight in the fire. But I didn’t burn.” Now what she means is that she didn’t burn, she did great! But what you can easily read this as saying, if you’re a fan of the truth, is that she didn’t get over for shit despite the aggressive Becky Lynch Friend push. This is not meant to slam Lyra, who did her best but was just mishandled. But she’s getting at least a soft reboot, which is good, and they’re trying to frame it more as, “I’m already great, but I will be greater.” Good for her. The talent is there! She’s likable!
Backstage: The losers from Alpha Academy are “so excited for Kofi Kingston’s 10-year anniversary,” but he doesn’t know how he feels. They mean New Day’s 10-year anniversary. Woods is here and acknowledges that they’ve been at each others throats after so long never having any real arguments. Woods keeps thinking of Karrion Kross telling them that “New Day is dead, and we’re the only ones that don’t know it.” It’s true! Kofi insists New Day is not dead. He’s wrong! And now they’re arguing again, so Comedy Otis tries to interject with his stupid “Free Otis” shirt. Woods tells him and the other two bums to shove it up their asses, basically. So Woods challenges these “two clowns” for next week. Woods is right. Sorry, but he just is.
Seth “Freaking” Rollins vs “Big” Bronson Reed
It’s time for these two to settle things, and remember, Reed joined Solo Sikoa’s Bloodline on last week’s Smackdown, at least for War Games at Survivor Series. And Rollins is once again the most recent ask by Roman Reigns’ Bloodline.
Immediately, in case you did forget, Solo and Co. join at ringside, and then Jey’s music hits and here comes Jey, Jimmy, and Sami Zayn, and they rush right into a fistfight with Solo’s crew. Solo himself is not present for the fight. Tanga Loa gets his ass kicked as usual. Takes both Usos to neutralize Jacob Fatu. They clear out.
And now, the match! Quick start, off to commercial with Rollins in control. Joe Tessitore just cannot say “Freakin,” it’s always “Frickin.”
Reed is in control when the show resumes. You’ve seen WWE before, that’s how it works. Good back-and-forth, awkward cut to commercial, back and Reed is trying for a second-rope suplex which I just can’t call a “superplex” when I remember that personal rule. Not that it’s not still a cool move, but it doesn’t touch one rope up. Doesn’t go, anyway, and Rollins counters out. Wade News remembers Rollins once blowing his knee out doing the same thing.
Barrett good on the call for this match, actually. Tessitore is OK; I have basically settled into the fact that he’s here and he’s good enough that he’s going to stick, and a real pro whatever I think of his style and flaws, but Barrett is actively good. And Barrett was the right call for a partner if you were going to force Tessitore into my life watching WWE.
Rollins gets the big momentum, hits the stomp, and goes up top, but Solo Sikoa is on the commentary desk as a distraction. Reed hits a Death Valley Driver, two sentons, and the tsunami, a quick attack from the big man and Bronson Reed wins it! Good match. ***½
Post-match: Oh, nothing. Solo raises Reed’s hand. We just end on the match finish, basically. No further developments. That leaves it open for Seth to join or for Roman to get Paul Heyman’s new T-Mobile number and have the Wise Man convince CM Punk to do a War Games before he retires. (And wouldn’t that potentially piss Rollins off! Let’s say Rollins reluctantly agrees on Friday or whatever but Roman is, like, “Sorry, man, we got CM Punk, another guy you fucking hate.”)
GRADE: C+
This ‘sode started brutally with that awful and video game-dead opening promo segment and brawl, but the matches saved the show and made it watchable, after the house show mixed tag, and there were some nice video packages. It felt very much like a filler week on Raw in most respects, but they got some story advancement on various things, too.
Three Stars of the Show
Bronson Reed: Similar to Smackdown, Reed really coming off as a star. I think this has been terrific work by him and WWE, he doesn’t have to win all his matches, but he’s clearly a major threat as a plug-and-play type main eventer now, or at least is very close to that level of credibility. Kane, Braun Strowman, lots of big “monster” types in WWE history did sort of the same thing. You never really believe them as The Guy, because they aren’t, but they can be thrown in as a destructive force whenever you need someone to fill some time in the role of menacing quasi-top guy. It’s a good role! You can make a lot of money and do a lot of big matches in that role.
Seth Rollins: A huge reason for Reed getting over to that degree in the role, too, and that’s probably obvious, but Seth and WWE realize that Seth in WWE is made beyond made, nothing he loses or whatever is going to harm how the audience sees him. “Making” guys is not necessarily like it used to be, and using fully, irreversibly established dudes like Rollins to help others elevate is the right and smart call. And I also think Seth’s promo work involving the Bloodline recruitment attempt has been terrific, his best and most honest stuff in a long time, particularly him pointing out what a bozo nitwit Sami Zayn really is being here. “Seth, do you want to team with us and Roman Reigns?” “No, stupid, I hate Roman Reigns and so should you.” “Seth come on, though, you teamed with Cody last year!” “Are you actually stupid?” And the answer is yes, Sami Zayn is actually stupid.
Gunther: He didn’t do a lot but Gunther is really nicely getting across the idea that he’s currently a man of shaken confidence now that he’s reached the top, as compared to the days he was scratching and clawing and dominating his way to getting there. And I also like Priest as more relaxed in this new role of challenger. They have the opposite thing happening right now. Gunther is feeling the weight of his position, and Priest no longer is, because he’s not in that position any longer. And these things do happen in various fields, particularly the Gunther side. Is Gunther truly destined for long-term greatness2, or is the weight of being The Guy getting a bit too much?
I mean, yes, his speed and explosiveness is crazy, and I get why you do this bit and agree that they should, but what the hell, it’s fun to be a pointless hater sometimes.
Yes, but that’s outside ~the story~.
Lyra Valkyria strikes me as someone who — like Punk — is going to have to leave and come back to get what she wants out of WWE.