Review: AEW Collision (6-22-2024)
Collision is TAPED from two days ago in Allentown, PA!
Tony Schiavone’s voice sounds WEIRD at the top of the broadcast. Bobby Cruise’s does not so it’s not the whole audio. Anyway, whatever.
Tony Nese, Josh Woods & Ariya Daivari vs Katsuyori Shibata, Hook & Samoa Joe
The heels made this challenge. I do not know why. They can’t be so stupid as to think their team has any sort of advantage on paper here. Jesus, get Tony Nese out of the ring. What is this, the opener at Evolve? Daivari, being courted by many families in the Middle East, grounds Hook, but not for long. Shibata gets tagged, Woods gets tagged. They trade armbar attempts and stuff after trading forearm attempts.
Shibata sidesteps a Nese moonsault and Joe is very happy with his influence on “The Wrestler.” Man, I know he’s 45 and not the ideal choice for who you want, and that without MJF’s injury throwing plans into disarray he never gets the AEW title in the first place, but I can’t help but feel like we are wasting the best world champion on this roster right now. I truly and fully recognize that you really want Swerve or MJF or Ospreay because of their youth and long-term potential, but man Joe felt like a real world champion where MJF and Swerve have struggled a bit more in the role. But you have to do it to become it. It’s just that Joe is a natural world champion, and most people aren’t. A lot of greats had struggles their first try at it. It takes time, usually.
I have grown comfortable with the Collison format of great opener → stuff → great closer, but they’re giving me the Premier Athletes in this week’s “great opener” attempt? Nese eventually taps to Shibata. The babyfaces pretty much ran them over, for all it matters, as they should, and the match was fine. ***
Backstage, trios champs The Bang Bang Gang are here. Well, no, that’s misinformation. It’s Juice and the Gunns. Juice still is not being allowed to defend the belts with them. Austin or Colten is “PISSED!” about it. This capably eats up some time. (I mean that in a truly positive way, wrestlers just talking is a lost art. They hype up Jay’s match with Fenix next week a bit and have some things to say, but it’s just talkin’.)
Private Party vs Chris Jericho & Bi Bill
Now all the fun I’ve had with this Jericho character ends, because I have to watch him wrestle. It’s a tough thing in the world today to be the guy who was never, ever as high on Jericho as so many people were, because now that everyone caught up to me, you’ve got this legion of people overdoing their hatred of him, and I feel insane because this current thing has been kinda funny and he’s been pretty good at it.
The parts of this with Bill are alright, but it also includes the years-stagnant Private Party. It’s not necessarily their fault or whatever, but my patience for watching people in the same spot on TV for years has grown really thin. Feel like I’d be more into this if it were Bill and Bryan Keith. But maybe Jericho is a ratings draw. I don’t know, I started muting everyone who talks about TV ratings on X (Formerly Twitter) and I don’t read wrestling sites. Actually I muted almost everyone on X (Formerly Twitter). It’s just that I have lost the need or even desire to see what almost anyone is thinking, ever, and I find the noise of social media increasingly awful. I’m glad people like things I say sometimes but so few of us ever needed to know each other existed or have any sort of interaction. We were not built to “know” so many people. We are decaying and driving ourselves mad.
ANYWAYS, there’s nothing wrong with this match other than I don’t much care what happens and it probably didn’t need to be this long. It’s not even that long. Or it is. Who’s to say? OK, I am to say. It is too long. Private Party almost win it but don’t. Keith uses a foreign object and Jericho gets the pin. **¼
Post-match, the Learning Tree lads put the boots to Private Party until Joe, Shibata, and Hook run in. Jericho and Bill hit the bricks, Keith gets his arm stomped by Shibata. Joe makes a trios challenge for Forbidden Door, which does not need the extra time that match is going to take.
Oh shit, TNT is breaking out a couple of their old Tom Selleck TV westerns to let Kevin Costner promote Horizon. Selleck was kind of a Randolph Scott (reliable, workmanlike) in Westerns, but for a time when nobody wanted to see them. And also Selleck ever had any chemistry with a female co-star.
Ultimo Guerrero vs Kazuchika Okada
I hope this kicks ass and does 132,000 viewers. I hope the entire planet turns their TV entirely off for this match. I hope it makes someone on here physically cry about Forbidden Door season not being a draw. By “kicks ass” I realistically mean “is pretty good and people like me will overrate it.”
Well it’s not great but it is funny to watch these two international superstars and legends halfway dog ass a match on “Collision” like it’s ROH War of the Worlds in Lowell or Royal Oak, and they do pick up a bit of steam as they go along. A bit. They employ the steam in spots.
Okada almost takes off Guerrero’s mask which would be horrible because then we’d all find out what he looks like for the first time. Rainmaker wins it and knocks Guerrero’s mask off. Guerrero pretends this matters. I had a good time just watching this to kill time on television. ***
Backstage, Lexy Nair is with Top Flight and Action Andretti. Dante Martin has the band of his CK boxer briefs showing. At least I hope they’re boxer briefs. If they’re boxers then someone needs to talk to this man. Now here’s Lio Rush. He wants to know if Top Flight are cool with him. Can this guy drink the demon’s blood from his pendant or something because this is not interesting
Christian Cage, Nick Wayne & Killswitch vs Jacked Jameson & Iron Savages
Actually, though Christian is technically in the match, he just goes to join commentary with Mother Wayne, leaving Wayne and Killswitch 2-on-3 because why not, I mean look who they’re wrestling. This goes how you’d imagine, and eventually when Wayne and Killswitch have it won, Cage ambles down to ringside so that he can get the pin. Wayne tags him in to do it, he does it. Killswitch (the move) fully finishes whichever Iron Savage that is. It doesn’t matter if I learn or not. Kinda seems like with the tag division fucking dead in the water they’re starting to gradually switch some focus to the trios matches.
Leyla Hirsch & Lady Frost vs Toni Storm & Mariah May
It’s that time of the night on Collision! Just throwing stuff out there for a while. The good thing about these is outside of the obvious squashes you do get some time for stuff like this. Hirsch and Frost put together a nice run of offense focus mainly on Mariah, but Toni saves Mariah from Lady Frost’s Frostbite, though — not really? Because it just crushes Mariah under Toni. They just both get hurt. Actually pretty stupid. Storm Zero on Leyla and Mariah gets the sensual pin.
Serena Deeb gets promo time for some reason. Once again she’s totally gonna do it next time! She threatens an open challenge for next week’s Collision.
Malakai Black & Brody King vs LSG & MSG
Squash.
Post-match, hometown boy Ian Riccaboni tries to interview House of Black about how they feel after Buddy’s injury last week. Black says, “What a human question” and walks off. King says they feel nothing. Tony Schiavone does his best to absolutely freak out over both answers.
Matt Menard vs Hechicero
Honestly had no idea Menard still wrestled. His ribs are all taped up. “He’s been in some battles, man,” Tony says. When?? Menard looks like a heel manager forced into a match. “Hechicero has stunned the Allentown faithful.” I’m sure that’s what it is, yes.
You wouldn’t call this an “easy chemistry.” This man took his trapped hand out of the pain position with ease so that he could tap out, NOT to simply escape the hold and try to counter. This was one of the greatest performances I have ever seen.
Jeff Jarrett discusses his past with Owen Hart and his motivation to win the tournament this year. I really hope the point was to get people rooting for the Jeff Jarrett miracle run, because that’s all you could feel after watching this.
AEW International Championship
Brian Cage vs Will Ospreay (c)
The champ comes out first because this company hates tradition. The challenger comes out second wearing a fucking cape.
I really wish this were a strike and head drop heavy Ospreay match but I did not expect that, either, so I can’t be disappointed or anything. With Ospreay I’m either all in on how great something was or I just can barely pay attention because the rhythms of it all are just so familiar now. And the first one is always his more brutal and less graceful matches.
If Ospreay vs Cage sounds like a match you’d be into, then I’m sure it is. Pretty sure Tony Schiavone has never seen a Brock Lesnar match. Ospreay wins. I’m sorry if descriptions of Will Ospreay matches were a high-end reason you subscribed if you’re a subscriber, but I promise you there are going to be times when I’m freaking out over an Ospreay match, too. It’s just not the last couple he’s had on TV. Not my style. And I never promised detail.
GRADE: C+
It was never outright bad, but not my favorite main event and not my favorite opener though I thought both were alright, it’s just that this busts the Collision Formula.
Three Stars of the Show
Mariah May: No true standout efforts on the show — even if you looooove Ospreay, that was not a standout Ospreay match — and in the case of (1) that and (2) Mariah May being on the show for any amount of time, the win always goes to Mariah May.
Matt Menard: He’s probably actually still banged up a bit and all but that was truly one of the great performances that only a very few people will remember at all, let alone fondly. Just a weird match to watch and even from a visual standpoint Dad Magic looked like he was out there against his will.
Ultimo Guerrero: You hate to see a luchador accidentally get their face exposed for even a second but I think the mystery of Ultimo Guerrero will endure.