When I was but a wee TAPE child, one of my great comforts in life was a good Coliseum Video. Even then I realized that they were kind of a mish-mash of mostly mediocrity (I wouldn’t have used those words at that time), but there was always the promise that maybe something would be cool, and there was just something warm and appealing about the whole thing. Plus sometimes you got skits!
This one is hosted by Lord Alfred Hayes, who is standing alone in a tuxedo waiting on a train — very specifically, he is waiting for the World Wrestling Federation Express. While he waits, he promises us that we will be seeing matches from London and Tokyo. This is true, as there are eight matches on this tape, and two of them are from London and one is from Tokyo.
A standard raggedy ass train arrives, and Alfred hops on. Here we go!
The Rockers vs Orient Express
From Apr. 24, 1991 in London. Commentary is Vince and Roddy Piper. Piper reckons the Rockers are the tag team of the ‘90s, though he wouldn’t let them date his daughter.
Before we can get going, Mr. Fuji whacks Jannetty in the side with his cane while everyone is in the ring and the referee isn’t looking. The Rockers protest the presence of Mr. Fuji, leave, and then return with Andre the Giant. It’s 1991 so it’s not exactly a prime Andre, but then he’s only meant to neutralize Mr. Fuji, who moves about as nimbly at this point.
Piper almost goes into a racist accent to represent Mr. Fuji but seems to think better of the idea, which shows an incredible restraint for his usual sensibilities. I think Piper was a largely bad commentator in this WWF stint, but when he toned his shtick down some, he could be good, and he’s fine here.
These teams had some excellent matches in this period and had great chemistry. This is not one of those matches. The WWF didn’t really respect foreign audiences and would just feed them slop because everyone knew the fans were just excited to see the show at all, and for these teams, this is dull as hell, but they were both such good teams that their middling showing was still pretty decent. They zip around enough in spurts that they trick you into thinking you’re seeing their full effort, but it’s not even close.
Marty gets the fun role of being the emotional idiot who makes things worse out of his desire to make things better, a role I have played many days of my life. Piper notes that the Orient Express are “smart, heck, they own half of America.” He means the Japanese, which was a great concern of dopey Americans in the early 90s — well, Piper was Canadian, but he made a smooth transition into being a dopey American, while also claiming to be from Scotland — because the Japanese committed the great cultural offense of making superior automobiles. Finish sees Andre finally feebly shake Mr. Fuji and club him with a right hand, then cane Kato before the Rocker double fistdrop. **½
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